Year of the Monkey started early

By Marla Boone - Contributing columnist

This article was supposed to begin by referring to the Chinese year designation and then explaining why it was slightly misnamed. But Google, or perhaps the Chinese, which for all we know might be the same thing, gave me the opportunity to discover it wasn’t misnamed, it was only a year off. 2016 is the Year of the Monkey. By all rights, 2015, or at least the last little bit of it, should have been the Year of the Monkeys Who Kept Making Major Mistakes. But that is a lot to squeeze into a fortune cookie. Specifically, the final part of 2015 was a comedy of errors. If you’re a fan of errors.

On Dec. 20, the Miss Universe contest was held in Las Vegas, Nevada. Like the year, the Miss Universe pageant is misnamed. The pageant has plenty of contestants from Earth, but is severely deficient in entrants from Mars or Asteroid # 2508 or the planets around Alpha Centauri.

What happens in Vegas allegedly stays in Vegas. It didn’t. Steve Harvey hosted the event. Steve Harvey is sort of like the Kardashians. He appears to be famous for being famous. While his salary for hosting was not disclosed, it was stated that he was paid “more than any previous host.” Mr. Harvey does not lack self-confidence. He does, however, appear to lack reading skills. What passes for beauty pageant anticipation mounted throughout the evening. Finally it was down to the final two women. “In the event the winner is unable to fulfill her duties …” Oh, you could have cut the tension with a liposuction knife. Then good ol’ over-paid Steve read the wrong name. That’s right. He read the wrong name. For a beauty pageant winner. Let me tell you, hell hath no fury like the first runner-up and he blew it. “In the event the host is unable to fulfill his duties … ”

On a slightly smaller scale than the universe, you have to admit inviting a known, jailed lawbreaker to the State of the Union address has to rank right up there with your major gaffes. Ohio’s own Jim Jordan issued a ticket to Kim Davis because she “wanted to go.” Ms. Davis reached her moment of infamy for refusing to do her job as county clerk in Rowan County, Kentucky. Ms. Davis, an elected official who makes $80,000 a year in a county where the median income is $35,236, refused to do her job because of her religious beliefs. And that’s OK. But did she do the honorable thing and resign her post rather than betray her beliefs? No. She kept her job, kept drawing her salary, and disobeyed a Supreme Court ruling. And that’s not OK. Ms. Davis has been married three times. Apparently unacquainted with irony, she did not want to sully the sanctity of marriage by issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Mr. Jordan himself is having a little problem with the backlash. At first he said he didn’t know who the ticket to the SOTU was going to and then he said he did. “In the event the congressman is unable to fulfill his duties … ”

I have saved the most glaring boo-boo for last. At least at our house it counted as far worse than Miss Our-Part-Of-The-Universe or Mr. Jordan’s incredibly poor judgment. That is because it had to do with the most sacred topic possible … college football. On Nov. 21, 2015, Ohio State played Michigan State at the venerable Horseshoe in Columbus. A lot was riding on this game … championships, pride, home-field supremacy, and a peaceful afternoon at our house. None of this happened, of course, especially not the peaceful afternoon. Now, I can barely spell football but even this neophyte could see things were not going well. The offensive play calling was, well, offensive. Two of my friends are utterly and unalterably convinced there is a conspiracy here somewhere. While I am not willing to go quite that far, I do believe if it ain’t broke don’t fix it and if it is broke, fix it before halftime. “In the event the offensive play caller is unable to fulfill his duties …”

By Marla Boone

Contributing columnist

Marla Boone resides in Covington and writes for the Sidney Daily News, Troy Daily News and Piqua Daily Call.

Marla Boone resides in Covington and writes for the Sidney Daily News, Troy Daily News and Piqua Daily Call.