You might not want to think about this, but there is going to be a presidential election next year.
The Democrats currently have about a bajillion candidates in the race. The Republicans have Donald Trump and a few other guys nibbling around the edges just in case Trump does something really preposterous in the next year. I mean, what are the odds of that happening? OK, so the odds are pretty good.
When you add in the Russians and now probably the people in Greenland hacking around with our election results things really start to get complicated. Plus, there’s the never-ending argument about changing the way we elect presidents by throwing out the Electoral College.
I think we need an entirely new, American way to select presidents. Since our society has pretty much surrendered to instant gratification and marketing, I think I have come up with the perfect way. It would save a lot of time and money and frustrate those sneaky Russians to no end.
I say we just pick the person with the best slogan and best logo.
You can learn a lot about a candidate by his or her slogan. If nothing else, at least you can tell who is smart enough to hire the right people to come up with the right phrase.
Here’s a little rundown on some of the current candidates.
Let’s start with President Trump. He won the last time around with “Make America Great Again,” a slogan he stole from Ronald Reagan. Since he theoretically is accomplishing that, he needs a new slogan: so far he’s been using “Promises Made, Promises Kept.” Yawn. Plus, he has a boring logo. He has some work to do here.
Joe Biden has kind of a neat looking circle logo but his slogan, “Our Best Days Still Lie Ahead,” sounds too much like something a 76-year-old guy would say. Oh wait! He is a 76-year-old guy.
Here’s an interesting one: “Join the Evolution.” That’s the slogan used by Marianne Williamson. I have no idea what it means. I didn’t know evolution was a choice. I must have forgot to join up somewhere along the line.
Elizabeth Warren is a big name these days, but it’s not because of her slogans. “We Will Rebuild the Middle Class,” “We Persist,” “Win With Warren.” Boring logo, too. For someone who wants to change society, she sure has an idea shortage when it comes to identity.
Bernie Sanders is famous for being a socialist. So when his slogan says, “Not Me. Us,” it makes some people wonder just who “us” is. He does have a neat logo, though, and he basically just goes by “Bernie” like he’s some kind of Brazilian soccer star or famous pop singer, which is kind of neat.
Amy Klobuchar gets points because she uses green in her logo. Almost everyone else sticks to some variation of red, white and blue. Her slogan “Amy for America,” is saltine cracker all the way, but I guess with a last name like Klobuchar it’s best to stay on a first-name basis.
The same goes for Pete Buttigieg. His logo just says “Pete” and fortunately he’s the only one with that name running for office. His slogan is “A Fresh Start for America.” Sorry, but I’m too old to start over again.
And the winner is: Tulsi Gabbsard! She just uses her first name in her logo, too, but it has a kind of cool orange and gray or blue color. And how can you not like the slogan? “Lead with Love.” The only problem is, I have no idea who she is. It took me a while to figure out Tulsi wasn’t her last name. I finally just had to Google her. She’s from Hawaii, which I think is a pretty cool place. Other than that, I have a hard time finding much I agree with her on, other than her slogan and her logo.
I could go on — for instance, Steve Bullock’s slogan “A Fair Shot for Everyone” seems like a poor choice of words these days. And I liked John Hickenlooper’s slogan, “Come Together,” which really lends itself to a certain famous song for pumping up crowds at rallies. But apparently no one else liked it, because he’s already out of the race.
I need to refine this system a little more. Check back with me next year — maybe it will be a new dawn for America, where there’s a square deal and a full dinner pail and we can have leaders, for a change. In your heart you know I’m right.
David Lindeman is a Troy resident and former editor at the Troy Daily News. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.