Dear Grandparenting: My nine-year-old granddaughter is absolutely terrified to be alone for any length of time. She starts to hyperventilate and gets panicky if she hears strange noises. She babbles a lot about what will happen when the ocean starts to rise and takes out all the beaches. She thinks we’re next, even though we’re way inland above sea level. That doesn’t matter to her. It’s doom, baby! Head for the hills!
She was doing OK until all this scary stuff started with her about a year ago. Did I forget to include her fear of snakes? She is scared that one of those awful pythons killing anything that moves down in the Everglades will slither into our house next.
I am not real good with this touchy feely emotional stuff with kids. So put yourself in my shoes and help me figure how to talk her down when my granddaughter starts to flip out. First I calmly listen to her and then I tell her the truth, even if I need to sugar coat it a little. What do you think? Big Burt, The Villages, Florida
Dear Burt: Among all different generations, the youngest and oldest have the greatest need for a sense of security, a wall between themselves and the bedlam of a big bad world that belongs to the quick and the strong.
It’s not uncommon for grandchildren to fall into the grip of exaggerated irrational fears. Your approach is actually better than many, because you listen first. Until they tell you, how else will you know what your grandchild is dealing with at that moment?
The trick, say some experts, is to buy into their version without dismissing it as just not happening. “It sounds like you’re really scared. You’re afraid of so-and-so,” works much better. It might seem like validating their little story would make them more scared. But it can actually help them move through it and process it, according to psychologist and family therapist Dr. Lawrence Cohen.
The second step — projecting calm and confidence — reassures the grandchild. “Now can you look into my eyes and see that I’m not afraid?” If they can see your confidence, they can come to believe that the coast is clear on some deep, nonverbal level. We like this approach. Sounds like a plan.
GRAND REMARK OF THE WEEK
Julia from Everett, Washington, checks in to say she is “so glad to have finally joined the club! His name is William and he is 7 pounds, 2 ounces. I’ve always heard that the best parents get promoted to grandparents.”
