Dear Grandparenting: I never dreamed I would be so hard up. So now I’ve gone and done what I said I never would. I have moved in with my daughter and three grandchildren. So now I have more room, more money and more riding herd on my grandchildren. All three are still in elementary school and have a lot of growing up to do.
That’s where I come in. My daughter said this new arrangement could work on one condition. She goes to work to do her lawyer job while I do my job with the grandchildren, meaning I am their primary caretaker.
Right off the bat, I saw how much needed doing. My daughter is a much better provider than she is a housekeeper or disciplinarian. My grandchildren were never taught much about good manners. They don’t tidy up after themselves or do chores around the house. When I lived clear across the country, grandchildren thought I was the kindly old lady. Now that I’m the enforcer, they know different. What is your advice about how to go about this without making the grandchildren feel like they’re my enemy? I asked my daughter, but she just shrugged and said, “You have to figure that out for yourself.” What’s my best approach? Belle Owen-Smith, Tucson, Arizona
Dear Belle: Just another situation that cries out for a cleaner, the role more modern grandparents find themselves fulfilling when their grown children come up short on their parental obligations.
It’s rough all over. Economic stress prevails. More mothers have joined the workforce. Families are riven by high rates of divorce and separation. Grandchildren often are left to their own devices, starting at a young age. Who’s going to clean up the mess? Who better than grandparents?
It’s hard enough raising a polite, cooperative child from birth. Since your grandchildren are already set in their ways, we’d approach this as one who expects improvement, not miracles. Your first order of business is to agree on basic behavior guidelines with your daughter. Trying to civilize and discipline your grandchildren without her support is futile, since the kids will play mother and daughter off against each other. As you make your way, you’ll need to stay patient and consistent, and do as you say by modeling behaviors you’re trying to teach the rascals. And don’t micromanage. Everyone needs his space, and a grandparent needs time to be a grandparent and not just the big boss.
GRAND REMARK OF THE WEEK
Silver Girl from Reading, Pennsylvania, may be “a bit tarnished but it’s nothing my grandchildren can’t fix. I figure grandchildren are like God’s prescription that helps us feel better when we get older.”
