Dear Grandparents: Growing up, I came to believe you were as sick as your worst secret. I learned through experience — the best teacher. If you don’t own up and own it, then whatever you are hiding owns you and builds up to become even bigger.

So that’s where I am coming from when I tell you about my granddaughter. Valerie is 10 going on 30 to my mind. I have this internal debate about whether I need be concerned about Valerie’s so-called secrets. For a while, she’s dropped hints to me about “my little secret” or “my new secret” and always with a perfectly straight face. Then she changes the subject.

When I ask her about it, she just walks off. I don’t like to pry, but I worry for her. Are these secrets about her or someone else? Is it about sex or drugs or alcohol? Maybe she throws up to stay trim or gets bullied or something worse. Valerie is not so smart that she can’t be manipulated. What would you do? Mona, Wilmington, Deleware

Dear Mona: Grandchildren have always dealt in secrets. We recall forming our own top secret society with secret hand signals and meeting places in our youth. But the days of childhood innocence seem briefer in this scary world, and the Internet opened a Pandora’s box of troubles that often beset grandchildren. Some households have a zero tolerance policy for secrets.

Adults may dismiss a grandchild’s claim as a figment of a youthful imagination or a copy of something seen on TV. Children might manufacture “secrets” to get attention. But when secrets are accompanied by changes in a child’s mood or behavior, they demand a closer look.

Grandparents walk the line between invading a grandchild’s privacy and protecting them from themselves, even if they don’t want protecting. Children can be perplexed about keeping secrets, not wanting to break a trust or get someone in trouble. As grandchildren become more assertive and confident and develop their decision-making skills, secrets become less problematic.

Teach grandchildren to trust their instincts and share secrets that feel wrong or could hurt someone. No one has a right to ask children to keep a secret from their parents, and beware of adults who ask children to keep a “special secret.” A grandparent who convinces grandchildren they can tell them anything and they’ll believe it — and won’t get in trouble — is on the right track.

GRAND REMARK OF THE WEEK

Kevin Gonzalez from Kingman, Arizona, was discussing the concept of sacrifice with grandson Nicky, 7.

“What would you be willing to give up that you like?” he asked. Nicky replied he’d stop fighting with his brother until his next birthday.

“Can you make it that long?” asked his grandfather.

“My birthday is next week, so it’s OK,” said Nicky.